Rest

The past two months of school have been harder than all of last semester because of classes, friends, and mental well-being. All five of my classes required heavy reading, my friend group faced troubles, and I had a Low Self-Esteem attack that made me overthink everything I—and everyone around me—said and did. Now, it is Spring Break and I am home for a much-needed break.
Only, I haven't been enjoying my break as much as I hoped to because I've been feeling guilty about not accomplishing things.

I like to think that I'm a hard worker—I'm certainly good at making to-do lists—yet, I've struggled with laziness in the past. It's something I will always struggle with.
When I came home from school and spent the first two days of break lying on the floor doing nothing but watching Youtube videos, I started to worry.
Am I going to spend my whole break lying here watching Youtube? Am I going to waste all of my time? Shouldn't I be using this free time to do all of the things that I couldn't do when I was at school?

Things To Do At Home That I Couldn't Do At School:

-Clean out my inbox.
-Catch up on blogs.
-Write and schedule blog posts.
-Figure out banking-related stuff.
-Start searching for a summer job.
-Exercise.
-Work on my novel.

Although I had a to-do list, I couldn't make myself do any of the things on it, and that made me feel horrible about myself, so I started asking myself some questions.

Why am I feeling guilty? Because I'm not accomplishing things.
Why aren't I accomplishing things? Because I am exhausted.
Why am I exhausted? Because I just survived an extremely difficult two months of school.
Why is it not okay to take a break? Because I don't want to waste my time. I have the opportunity to do a bunch of stuff right now instead of lying here watching Youtube. I don't want to be lazy.

Spending a day watching Youtube is my definition of laziness for myself, because I have wasted so much time doing that in the past. Watching Youtube doesn't add to my life in any way and I don't have anything to show for it afterward. It is so much easier, however, to lay around watching Youtube than to work on a project, even if it's a project that I enjoy like writing a story or reading a book. It is especially easier when I have nothing motivating me but self-imposed deadlines.
If I have assignments due for my teachers, it is easy to say no to Youtube in favor of completing my work.
But, when I say, Abbey, your goals for this weekend are to read The Prince by Machiavelli, write two blog posts, and edit ten chapters of your novel, it is easy to push aside these goals and do nothing instead.

I haven't figured out why my self-imposed goals are less important in my mind than goals given to me by others, especially since I feel so horrible when I don't complete my self-imposed goals.

Maybe it is because I don't respect my own goals as much as I respect goals that are given to me by other people.
Maybe it is because I don't know how to rest.

Maybe I need to respect my own goals.
Maybe I need to learn to rest.

Here are four things that make me feel rested:
-Going on a walk.
-Playing piano.
-Listening to classical music while doing art.
-Writing out my prayers.

Maybe, when I need a break, I should do these things instead of watching Youtube, for rest is important.

"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy."
Exodus 20:8-11.